My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
