rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
