hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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