Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
