it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
