Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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