Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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