wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
