dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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