Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
