I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
