I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
