u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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