my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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