you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
