I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
