i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
