have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
