did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
