I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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