I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
