we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's the barista slut.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
