She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
