Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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