We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
