I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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