she woke up with a sticky ear
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had to cum in my sink.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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