when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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