I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
