I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
