Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
