You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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