I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
