She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
