So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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