Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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