you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
