Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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