I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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