it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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