I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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