There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
40s are totally the cure
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
