there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
