oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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