I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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