my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
