so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
