Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
