i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
