Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
