A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I looked at my own cervix.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
