i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
