The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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