you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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