I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
