Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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