She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
