he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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