woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What drink are we having for lunch?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
