Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
