It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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