I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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