just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
