he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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