did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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