On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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