1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a hot homeless man
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
