My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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