He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
