He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
